A Dark Shadowy Heart and Stuff
by Penname wa Silver B
Summary: Valen is chronically constipated! Drizzt Do'urden pwns classic literature! You know you love it.
1. Constipated

(A/N: There's no good excuse for this story, but... I had writer's block. I was bored. Forgive me... especially all you Valen fans. I will not apologize for the monster joke, however... the mind flayers greatly disappointed me. If you haven't visited NWVault, you might not get some of the jokes.

Disclaimer: Would BioWare write this? No. No, they would not. I don't own Neverwinter Nights.)

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A DARK SHADOWY HEART AND STUFF

"I'm sorry, Valen," Valen's doctor informed solemnly, that fateful day in the hospital. "But you have been diagnosed with..." For drama's sake, the doctor let the sentence dangle.

"What is it, doctor?" Valen cried, a beautiful female PC clinging to his arm.

"You have chronic constipation," the doctor finished.

"Well, Deekin could tells you that," Deekin said matter-of-factly. Valen's eyes blazed red as he glared at the impertinent kobold; the female PC swooned at this show of unadultered Valenness, without releasing her grip on the tiefling in question.

"How can it be cured?" Valen quested desperately.

"Well, this is the Middle Ages," the doctor began, "so just climb into this iron maiden here and..." The doctor placed an orange in the iron maiden and closed it, opening it reveal that the orange had been completely pulverized. Collecting the juice in a cup, the doctor added, "As a bonus, it doubles as a juicer!" The doctor took a sip. "Mmmm! Beats Sunny D!"

"Is there... an alternative?" Valen asked, somewhat dejected. "I'd rather not be orange juice."

"You could just rub a kobold on your armpit," the doctor shrugged, sipping the juice.

"Much better!" Valen agreed, looking around. "Where did that kobold go..." But alas, Deekin was already twenty miles away and still running. Valen groaned.

"NOW how am I going to cure my chronic constipation?" he moaned.

"Oooh! Groaning AND moaning! Schmexay!" the female PC drooled, reviving only to swoon again.

"There is only one other way. You must go on a long and dangerous adventure to find the rare and mysterious artifact called the Bodily Excretion of Random Deity," the doctor told Valen.

"How romantic!" the female PC sighed, repeating the wake-up-and-swoon process.

"I will do as I must," Valen said dramatically, hair blowing in the wind. The female PC woke up and swooned five times in a row as the doctor complained about the draft and shut the window. So, Valen and the female PC went off on another dangerous quest, with a shriveled-up plotline and cheap, blocky monsters. During the duration of this adventure, Valen wooed the female PC with no less than six linear, majorly-platonic "romantic" conversations with no voice-overs. And they all worked.

"Oh, Valen! You have such a way with words," the PC gushed, blushing.

"My mother was a skanky ho, I was a thieving rat fink of a kid and I spent most of my life ripping people limb from limb," Valen cooed softly, remembering to tenderly tack on, "my love." The PC swooned, woke up and swooned eight times in all. It would have been nine, but a random monster attacked. The monster was too cheaply rendered to clearly make out... but it might have been an ocelot. Its portrait looked more like a dancing crocodile, though. At any rate, the PC quickly disposed of the beast with a simple "left-click + Y" spell, and sighed wistfully, desperately wishing that BioWare wasn't so lazy so she could deliver unto Valen a passionate kiss. But she was in luck-NWVault had a hak for passionate kissing! After eight hours of downloading, and eight hours more of virulent cussing on part of the PC as she tried to locate the correct folder to place the hak, she finally did it.

"The hak goes in the hak folder!" she cried triumphanty. "Who knew? Now gimme a kiss!" She pulled Valen into a romantic smooch, then looked up, then looked down. "Uhh... I think something went wrong with the hak. Are you supposed to be a dancing penguin, Valen dear?" Somewhere, the hak's creator was laughing very, very hard.

Fortunately, the female PC had a former save, and quickly loaded it up. Unfortunately, it had been quite some time since she last saved.

"I just have a little to play through, is all," the female PC laughed nervously, though visibly disconcerted. "Nothing to worry about..."

"FirstName! Neverwinter is in danger! Locate the four Waterdhavian creatures or we're all DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" Aribeth shrieked. "Now allow me to sit on my ass and jiggle in my armor here in this temple while you run around the accordingly numbered sections of Neverwinter." Aribeth broke off the finger of a roasted corpse, doused it in BBQ sauce and snacked on it. "Mmm, honey-flavored!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" the female PC started to scream, but was cut off as the game crashed. And the moral of this story is to save your game every ten seconds OR ELSE.

THE END

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(It's the end! Hopefully. I may be bored again. I can't make any guarantees.) 


	2. Gilsharessigan

DARK SHADOWY SHADOWS AND STUFF

(You people just don't learn, do you? You review, and I'm bound to write more! Well, I hope you know this is all your fault. Seriously, thanks. And Valen is thankfully left unharmed in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I'll just right here say NOTHING IN THIS FIC BELONGS TO ME. Except the fic. But you know how it goes.)

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Now, I know what you all were thinking when you played Hordes of the Underdark. "How in the Nine Hells did the Valsharess bind the Archduke of the Eighth Hell to her service!" Or maybe you were thinking, "I'm just a little bumblebeee, bumblebeee, bumblebeeeee - MY WALLS! MY NICE PADDED WALLS! THEY'RE CLOSING IN! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH..." But I'm just going assume you all were thinking the former. So! Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship...

"The Underdark hardly counts as a tropic," the Valsharess muttered. SILENCE! STOP CORRECTING THE AUTHOR OR ELSE! "Or else what?" Or else you will be attacked by a piggy named Joe. "Pfft. Fine." Much better. Anyway, our story takes place on Cavallas's ship, before the whole business with Lolth disappearing and the random PC turning up and all that... in fact, the Valsharess wasn't even called the Valsharess yet. I seem to recall her having a name, but finding it would require effort on my part, so from here on out I shall refer to her as Bob.

"The Valsharess works fine, actually," Bob argued. STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! Fine, the Valsharess BOB it is. So the Valsharess Bob was riding Cavallas's ship down the oh-so-creatively-dubbed Dark River... lalalala... Hm? Why, you ask? Well! The Valsharess was bored and wanted to go on vacation, so she set sail that day, for a three hour tour, a three hour tour, let's hope the people who own Gilligan's Island don't smack the author around with a two-by-four, a two-by-four. Or worse, sue!

The Valsharess went over and tapped Cavallas on the shoulder. "Hey, bub," she scowled sternly, "I'm getting seasick. When are we going to hit dry land?"

"Hssss!" Cavallas hissed, drawing back. "Don't touch me! I'm all angsty and mysterious and stuff! Only I can navigate the Dark River, because it talks to me like the gurgles of a drowning man who got laid off at work and his wife left him so he decided to end it all but changed his mind last minute because he realized his favorite soap opera was on and he was missing it but it was too late because he was DEAD!" It paused. "Why am I being mocked?" Because the author mocks everyone in this fanfic, with the sole exception of Deekin, since he practically mocks himself. And he's awesome.

"Deekin special!" Deekin grinned, appearing for one awesome self-mocking second. The Valsharess rolled her eyes and sat down, looking up at Cavallas suspiciously. "This vacation bites. How are you steering this ship anyway?"

"With my magic and stuff, of course!" Cavallas answered. "And, um, some C+ coding. Or is it C? I get them confused."

"However you're doing it, hurry it up!" the Valsharess snapped. "Stupid marraenoloth."

"Hisss! Gurrrrgle! Burrbllle! You figured out my species!" the marraenoloth cringed. "How did you know?"

"I didn't, the author did," the Valsharess responded. Both looked at the author expectantly. Well, I looked up a lot of stuff for my fanfic on Google, and ironically, in the end hardly used any of it. It was pretty cool when I realized Cavallas was probably a marraenoloth, a kind of yugoloth - which is a kind of fiend, like demons and devils - that wears a hood and navigates treacherous rivers. Then I cut Cavallas out of Dependence 2 because it contributed nothing to the plot -

"Bastard," Cavallas muttered.

and had no use for that knowledge. So I used it here. This has been a Time Consuming Chunk of Useless Knowledge from the author! Pity me.

"I hate you all," said the Valsharess, who hated everything. "I do NOT hate everything! On the contrary, I love the suffering of others, piña coladas and getting caught in the rain." Well, on the bright side the Time Consuming Chunk of Useless Knowledge used up so much time that they had almost arrived at their destination.

"YAY!" cheered Cavallas and the Valsharess. But! The weather started getting rough -

"We're hundreds of miles underground!" the Valsharess screamed. It was an earthquake, dammit! Anyway. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.

"TOO LATE!" the Valsharess sobbed as the ship shook and her pet minnow was tossed overboard, fishbowl and all. "MINNIE! NOOOOOO!" She tried to fling herself after her lost fish, but Cavallas stopped her. "_Sob_... why couldn't it have been meee..." Cavallas patted her on the back reassuringly.

"There, there, cry it all out," it cooed softly. "Alas, if only I'd had a fearless crew... if only I'd had a crew at all, actually." The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, which is an oxymoron because an island can't be a desert, the proper term is deserted isle -

"I swear, if you sing one more copyrighted lyric..." the Valsharess snarled at the author. Okay, they crashed. That's all. No Skipper, no Gilligan, NO SANTA!

"My ship's ruined and there isn't going to be a Christmas!" Cavallas bawled. "I hope you're happy, Bob!"

"For the last time, my name isn't Bob!" the Valsharess seethed, inspecting her desolate surroundings and wondering just why she'd wanted to vacation on a deserted isle in the first place. "If we're trapped here, I'll feed off your pathetic corpse to sustain mys - " Cavallas fixed its ship and was gone in an instant, leaving the Valsharess behind. "VITH! STUPID PLOTHOLES!" The Valsharess kicked a rock in a fit of anger, stubbed her toe and fell over. "Ow." Groaning, she pulled herself into a sitting position. "I swear, I'd sell my soul to get off this island..." Then, in a flash of glitter and pink smoke, a big red guy with horns appeared.

"Greetings, madam!" he greeted, sweeping into a cordial bow. "I'm here to offer you my... services..."

"Horns aren't really my thing," the Valsharess answered dryly. The horned guy looked up in shock.

"No, no, my lady! I am here to buy your soul and in return, grant you anything you want in this life!" he explained. "I am Mephistopheles."

"The 666 guy?" the Valsharess wondered.

"No, that's Satan, who doesn't even exist in the Forgotten Realms setting," Mephistopheles corrected, frowning. "I'm Mephistopheles. You know... bargained with Faust..."

"Fau - who?"

"Faust! He sold his soul to me!" Mephistopheles struggled, growing increasingly agitated as the Valsharess yawned and filed her nails, totally unconcerned. "It's a famous book - ARRGH! Don't you drow read classic literature!"

"Not really," the Valsharess responded, examining her manicure. "Being cool, angsty and sexy is more our forte. And most people would take Drizz't Do'urden over your 'Faust', any day."

"Well... that's... but..." Mephistopheles crossed his arms and stuck out his tongue. "Well, you're stinky, so NEH!"

"Whatever." The Valsharess rolled her eyes and went on filing her nails. Mephistopheles pouted for a full ten minutes before remembering why he'd made his Las Vegas-esque appearance in the first place. So he whipped out a piece of paper - or was it parchment... or maybe it was dried human flesh... No! Wait! That jaundiced yellow shade, those hellish, pinkish lines, that extravagant flaming logo... IT WAS LINED NOTEPAD PAPER FROM THE DESK OF MEPHISTOPHELES! AAAAAAAAHHHH - wait, that's not terrifying. Nevermind. The writing on it was scribbled hastily, and there were a few coffee stains, too. So much for _Lawful_ Evil...

"I'd like to see you maintain your lawful alignment in today's chaotic world," Mephistopheles grumbled, then brightened and returned to bargaining with the Valsharess. Pointing at the lined paper, he instructed, "Just sign here, here, here here here - " he pointed at a rock " - and here, and not only will I get you off this island, but I'll be your personal servant as well!"

"What about the small print right here?" the Valsharess wondered, squinting at the bottom, which clearly read "...under the condition that Mephistopheles will be able to sic any random PC with a nifty artifact made of his skin on you and set himself free.". Mephistopheles flipped the bottom over quickly.

"What small print?" he asked innocently.

"It was there a second ago..." The Valsharess shrugged it off and searched her scant metal outfit for a pen. Amazingly, she couldn't find one. "Uhh... do you have a pen?"

"Weeell, normally I'd ask that you use your own blood, but... okay." Mephistopheles withdrew a ballpoint and handed it over, whereupon the Valsharess quickly filled in all the blanks - and the rock - with her signature. And that, my friends, is the tale of how Mephistopheles was bound to the Valsharess's service, what Cavallas really is, and why Cavallas hates the Valsharess so much! Three answers for one question, how's that? So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile -

"Mephistopheles," the Valsharess ordered coolly, "hurt the author. Badly."

here on Gilligan's OW! That was my spleen...

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(I'm planning the next chapter already, so I hope you people are enjoying this fic!) 


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